Don't 'get over' grief, learn to live with it

I'VE thought long and hard about writing this blog, because part of me believes some things can be left off the internet.

But today would have been my mum's 75th birthday and knowing her, we'd have thrown an awfully nice affair with the family she cherished and friends she adored.

Instead I will join my dad by her grave, something we have done on June 14 ever since she was given her wings on that February morning and rose to the heavens.

It's a lie to say we 'want' to be there, neither of us want this bloody heartache which still remains nearly 28 months on. But at the same time, I'm thankful she is out of the pain and the suffering brought on by the dementia which dimmed the bulbs of one of the shining lights in my life.

And that is the paradox of grief, you don't want the pain but you don't want the suffering to continue, consoling yourself that wherever their spirit has wandered off to, it's a land of immortality where pain and illness are not on the menu.

I'd only lost grandparents before, somehow that grief was bearable because hey they are older than you so it rings true they will be leaving this earth before you.

But I've struggled since February 23 2016, when my mum was taken from me, with the emotional void in my head and heart. It makes no sense, I have a wonderful dad and a wife I love and treasure who has given me a beautiful son who I am devoted to.

I've encountered insomnia, I've felt a rage at within me at times that if I unleashed would cause something serious damage and even guilt I wasn't there at the very end.

I can't accept it on some days, seeing her grandson achieving so much and feeling bitter she isn't around in person to share his adventures.

Yet on the good days, as well as remembering the many joyous times, rational thought sweeps in but this only explains parts of the last two years. My faith tells me God came for her and my mum, who fought many battles over the years, knew we'd be OK in the long run and took His hand to live among the immortals.

Hopefully this will illustrate why we shouldn't 'get over it and move on' - we can't and we shouldn't.

All I ever heard about grief was 'it gets easier'. That's crap.

Nothing about losing someone so important 'gets easier', you learn to try and cope with it, from getting through those painful first moments, through the next hour, day, week, month and ultimately year.

You can be surrounded by all the love in the world but they can't fully understand the emotional turmoil grief can cause. It's a cruel and private loneliness at times.

To anyone who has suffered a loss, may those who have departed sleep well and live on in your hearts forever.

Grieve how you want, not how others tell you.

Happy Birthday Mum xx